Your face is a jimmy john
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
