I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
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