so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
