how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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