I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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