Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
