just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
