If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
