Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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