I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
