I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
