if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Randomize
