Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Randomize
