but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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