I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
