rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Randomize
