My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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