Banned from zoo.
Again?
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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