my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
