All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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