It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
