Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
