I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
