I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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