Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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