my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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