ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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