i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
