Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
