Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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