i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
