Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
My ATM looks so different sober.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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