I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
