Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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