the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
He keeps bees of course he's weird
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
