I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
