my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
