3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
You can't special order awesome
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Randomize
