Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
