Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Randomize
