we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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