Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
My cat gives me a boner
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
