Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
