I wish I only lived at night.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
