I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
