I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
