I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
