remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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