a queef is a wish your heart makes.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
