yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
