A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
