There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
