I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
