never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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