I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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