in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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